That's it. I'm officially off my rocker, one enchilada shy of a combination plate, and my elevator definitely does NOT go to the top. Over-reacting? ME? No, I don't think so. So, you want to know what has got me all up in a knot? I'll tell you...
EVERYTHING! My brain is fried, my body is not cooperating, and my emotions are all in a tizzy. I know...this is not the explanation you were hoping for. OK, let me take a few deep breaths...1...2...3....
I have one of those big milestone birthdays coming up. Yes, I know I've mentioned it before, but it is getting really close now. It isn't so much the number that is bothering me, after all it IS just a number. No, it isn't that, it is more the the reflection over the years past, and me wondering exactly what I have accomplished during that time. Have I written about this before? Well, so freakin' what?! If I don't continue to examine those issues that go straight to the core of my neurosis, I will not heal, correct? Thank you...allow me to continue..
What have I accomplished? Let's make a list, albeit a short one:
1. I survived birth, the divorce of my parents, childhood, and the remarriage of Mom and Dad to other people (lumped all this together to save time)
2. I graduated from high school
3. I achieved a two-year degree in Liberal Arts within 4 years w/a 3.5 GPA (not bad)
4. I married twice; once to someone I shouldn't have, and once to someone I should have in the first place
5. I became mother to Tyler and MacKenzie (the best achievements to come out of my first marriage)
6. I have never been fired from a job (unless that auto parts store delivery driver job counts-after 3 accidents they didn't have much choice)
7. I managed to log in 10 years with the company I work for now
8. I am still attending college and with any luck I will graduate before Tyler does
Right now, that is all I can think of. Some of these items seem very important, others, not so much. I love my children. I love my husband. I love my job (yes, it is true!). Then why sometimes does it seem that something is missing? I really like the Reba McIntire song, "Is There Life Out There?" That describes me to a T. It seems as though I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, or something else to come along to challenge me. Why is that? Because it always does. Just when things are going well, or just when I think that I have all the answers, something or someone comes along to remind me that I don't (you know who you are). That I'm just as lost and confused as I was when I was 16. My pastor would say that it is God telling me that HE has it all under control, that I should lean on HIM more and worry less, or that my life belongs to HIM and I'm just along for the ride. Well, I know that he is right about all of that, and I struggle with those facts every day. I also know that I am definitely not in control of my life. The struggle between good and evil goes on in my mind and in my heart every day, all day long. Some days are worse than others, and lately, it has been very strange. I am at a point in my life when I'm wondering what I still have to offer. What do I have to offer my husband? My children? My boss? My friends? Am I still physically attractive? Am I sane? Am I still lovable? Am I even deserving of love? Am I intelligent? Am I freaking out? Absolutely! No, I'm not fishing for compliments..I just feel like I don't know myself anymore. I feel like I don't know what I really want from my life. I have spent a lot of time living for other people -- is it time to start living for me now? If not now, when? If that is selfish, so be it. There are too many unanswered questions here and frankly it is really wearing on me.
Yes, I seek professional help and yes, I'm on medication. It isn't about that. It is about goal setting for the rest of my life and the fact that I really suck at it!
I have the feeling that the questions I have asked in this entry will not have answers until that day when I finally meet my Heavenly Father. I will have to accept that I am not in control. I will have to love others like HE loves me, and I will have to continuously remind myself that I am made in HIS image - and like Pastor says; God does not say, "Oops."
Another deep breath --
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
11 years ago
