It has been just over a month since my last post. Reading over it I thought to myself; "Did I really just freak out all over cyberspace?" Well, the answer to that of course is, "Yes." Only cyberspace really doesn't give a shit what I do to it. I know that I have no one who reads this but me, so there is no one out there to worry about. Someone once told me, "Don't put anything in writing that you wouldn't tell your mother, or that you don't want the whole world to know. It will end up coming to bite you in the ass." Well, I'm sure that's true, but right now, a bite in the ass might be just what I need.
The show choir season has come to an end for another year. The kids begin practicing in the fall, working hard to perfect their performances, then they perform in 3 contests and all the hype that implies...then it's over. Big let down. I know they enjoy it, but I think they are looking forward to a break. They have both had a lot going on, and without show choir, it will open up their week for other things. Tyler announced today that he has joined the track team. He is excited about it, but I don't think it's going to fly. I checked his grades; four Fs. I can't believe it! This is a kid who scores in the top 5 percentile of our state exams! He has an F in Social Studies, Language Arts, Math, and Science. All the core classes. He acts like it is no big deal. I'm so worried about him, I can barely stand it. Then there is MacKenzie...she does good in school and if she gets a C she freaks out. Right now, she is struggling in Math. She is making arrangements with the teacher to get some extra help. I'm not comparing my children...really...I love them both for who they are. I just wonder about them sometimes.
Husband has started acting out. That is the only way to describe it. He doesn't have anything positive to say about anything or anyone, and no one could ever hope to live up to his expectations; not me, not the kids, no one. I can't understand this shift in his behavior. I suppose he is stressed from not enough...well...you know. Or maybe because I've been sick. Maybe because he keeps comparing his kids to mine and mine just don't make the grade. I don't know. I can't talk to him about it or he has a cow (well, maybe just a calf). I just wish that he would stop for 5 minutes and LISTEN to what I'm saying and then not respond. I don't need a response. I just need him to hear me.
Lexie - yes, the dog - I have nothing negative to say about the dog. She is my four-legged therapy. Between her and this blog, who needs a therapist? Well, me, but that's another story for another day. Lexie is in her 2nd round of obedience; Dog I. The instructor says that she would make a good obedience show dog. Man! Can Lexie teach the kids the meaning of obedience?
I shouldn't bitch all the time. For the most part, I don't. It is just hard for me to look around at other families I know where the kids seem happy and well adjusted despite their circumstances, homework is done and if it's not, the kids are freaking out that they have to get it done; and mom's and dad's don't go to bed facing opposite walls even if they aren't "in the mood." It makes me wonder if it really is me.
The truth is, I'm sick again. Yes, let's blame my crappy mood on the current state of my health. I have had a nasty chest cold since last Wednesday. I can't breathe and because of that, I can't use my CPAP when I sleep. As a result of me not using the CPAP, Larry can't sleep because I can't sleep and round and round it goes. If I'm not better by the end of the week, I'll go back to the doctor and insist on more testing.
They must have missed something.
11 years ago
