"There isn't anything I can do about it."
That statement makes me crazy. When I hear it from another person I want to say to them, "...and why not?" Throwing up one's hands and admitting defeat is no way to go through life. I should know...I used to do it all the time. Case in point -
Tyler is 15 now. He is getting taller, has lost all that little boy essence, his voice has deepened and he is obsessed with girls. He is also really getting into bending the rules, challenging authority, and pushing every limit he can to the brink of disaster. Looking over the last few months, I feel as though I have only myself to blame. I am not indulging in self-pity, merely citing a possibility.
When Tyler breaks a rule, challenges my authority, or pushes all the right buttons to get me to react, I flip out. I ground him "forever," take away his cell phone, tell him he will have no social life till he gets his act together. What actually happens in reality is that when I "flip out" I am venting my anger. I am doing it in a non-productive way. I am focusing all of the energy that my anger is creating - outward - toward something. When I do this, any punishment that I hand down is going to be completely ineffective. Ultimately, a day later, Tyler gets his phone and his social life back.
UNTIL NOW.
Let me precede this with, I love my son. Truly. No mother could love their child more than I love that boy. Love aside, there are times when I really do not like him very much. This is one of those times. Tyler, engaging in risk-taking behavior(s) is what has me on edge. I will save the list of offenses for now. At first, I was livid...pacing back and forth, reminding him how much he has to gain from making sure that he gets his education, goes on to college, and how participating in these activities are only going to undermine his goals. The lecture escalates to him countering each of my sentences with a sarcastic remark, clearly mocking my intent. An hour after the initial squall begins, the eye of the storm passes over, and it gets very quiet, even serene . He is now contemplating his fate should he continue on the attack. He thinks about the things I have said, taking them to heart, and feeling horribly racked with guilt. He cries; big crocodile tears. Seeing him so remorseful tugs at my heart strings, tears come to my eyes, and I ....CAVE like a 40 ft. sinkhole in the middle of rush hour traffic! Actually....this time it didn't go that way. I decided to take another tack. I will stand my ground. I will not flinch. I will not let him play the victim.
He knew he was in trouble. In fact, the first thing he did before he even said hello to me was to hand me his cell phone - his demonstration of waving the white flag of surrender. He believes that if he owns up to it, I'll see him as honest, and trustworthy, and give him another chance.
Not this time. The plan for this latest event is ---silence. That's right. No yelling. No crying. No lecturing. NO CAVING. His phone is still in my pocket. Earlier tonight he wanted to go to a friend's house to hang out. I said, "No." He asked, "Why?" I told him that he shouldn't need to ask why and proceeded to ask him about his day. I was the picture of calm...and I think it scared him.
Don't get me wrong, I do NOT have all the answers when it comes to the discipline of a teenage boy. Far from it. I just know that what I was doing before wasn't working.
Tyler is a handsome, intelligent, fiercely talented kid. He is well liked by his friends, and even has a girlfriend. I want his high school years to be years he can look back on and be proud of. I want him to grow into a mature, productive, human being.
Maybe someday, he will look back on the events of these last few weeks, and realize that his mom wasn't so lame after all. That maybe what I did had value.
That sometimes doing what you say you are going to do, and sticking with it, is a good way to earn respect.
Or -- maybe he will laugh, give me a hug, and thank me for being so hard on him. Wouldn't that be nice?
I do love Tyler. So much so, that sometimes punishing him truly does hurt me more.
Setting limits for him are circumstances within my control.
There IS something I can do about it after all.
