Oxymorons

Back when I was in school (when dinosaurs roamed the Earth), and learning about the English language, I especially remember the term "oxymoron." Now, being a teenager, and with everything being laughable, I could think up numerous possible definitions for the word that have nothing to do with its meaning. Such as: oxy-moron: An idiot with acne cream on their face; a stupid ox (human or animal). Anything other than the actual definition which, according to dictionary.com is - Rhetorical figure by which contradictory terms are conjoined so as to give point to the statement or expression; the word itself is an illustration of the thing. Now often used loosely to mean "contradiction in terms." The Oxymoron is seen/heard literally everyday in our speech, on the television news programs, and now, from my 11 year old daughter.

The other day, we were coming home from rehearsal (Cedar Rapids Performance Co. - the kids' summer show choir company), and it was blistering hot outside. A day like that in April is an oxymoron in itself! I was having a fit, mostly just in a bad mood because it was hot and I was uncomfortable, and my daughter piped up, "Mom, loosen up and get a grip!" Well, I thought I would pee my pants from laughing because, MacKenzie has a point. I did need to loosen up and I needed to get a grip. Needless to say, I did relax and I laughed at that the rest of the day.

Speaking of Cedar Rapids Performance Co....what an awesome outlet for kids with creative energy to expend! If they like to sing, dance, and otherwise entertain others with their antics, then CRPC is the perfect place to do it! Tyler and MacKenzie have been in the company now for 6 years (Ty) and 5 years (Mac) respectively. They love it and it gives them the instruction they need in the technical aspects of performing they can take with them when school begins again in the fall. I love it too! That's my plug for the day.
Check out the video streams I have attached to this blog of Happiness Inc. They are the premier show choir of one of our local high schools and my alma mater, Kennedy High School. This is what my children are aspiring to next. I wish them the best of luck - and love.

Oh, and on an ending note...yes, there are advertisements on my blog. I thought if I could make a buck or two, so be it! :-)

The Rain

by Robert Creeley

All night the sound had

come back again,

and again falls

this quiet, persistent rain.

What am I to myself

that must be remembered,

insisted upon

so often? Is it

that never the ease,

even the hardness,

of rain falling

will have for me

something other than this,

something not so insistent—

am I to be locked in this

final uneasiness.

Love, if you love me,

lie next to me.

Be for me, like rain,

the getting out

of the tiredness, the fatuousness, the semi-

lust of intentional indifference.

Be wet

with a decent happiness.
---------------------------------------------------

Chance Meeting

by Susan Browne

I know him, that man

walking- toward me up the crowded street

of the city, I have lived with him

seven years now, I know his fast stride,

his windy wheatfield hair, his hands thrust

deep in his jacket pockets, hands

that have known my body, touched

its softest part, caused its quick shudders

and slow releasings, I have seen his face

above my face, his mouth smiling, moaning

his eyes closed and opened, I have studied

his eyes, the brown turning gold at the centers,

I have silently watched him lying beside me

in the early morning, I know his loneliness,

like mine, human and sad,

but different, too, his private pain

and pleasure I can never enter even as he comes

closer, past trees and cars, trash and flowers,

steam rising from the manhole covers,

gutters running with rain, he lifts his head,

he sees me, we are strangers again,

and a rending music of desire and loss—

I don’t know him—courses through me,

and we kiss and say, It’s good to see you,

as if we haven’t seen each other in years

when it was just a few hours ago,

and we are shy, then, not knowing

what to say next.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Old Love and New by Sara Teasdale In my heart the old love Struggled with the new, It was ghostly waking All night through. Dear things, kind things That my old love said, Ranged themselves reproachfully Round my bed. But I could not heed them, For I seemed to see Dark eyes of my new love Fixed on me. Old love, old love, How can I be true? Shall I be faithless to myself Or to you?

-------------------------------------------------------

Weekends

Why is it that weekends are busier than weekdays? One would think that after a very busy 5+ days at work that all we would want to do is relax on the weekend. It doesn't work that way does it? We work all week long till our brain turns to a runny mass reminiscient of Jell-O that was made with too much water - its runny, with a few lumps, and not edible at all. At least that is how I usually feel come Friday afternoon. And this last Friday was no different.

I have been working on a project at work for the past three months, trying to show the partnership between my department and another. You see, when you are looked upon as the one responsible for whether or not the associates get the scores they need (remember, I evaluate their phone calls), it isn't easy to forge civil relationships. Anyway, this project was a contest of sorts with a pretty decent sum of money at the end as the prize. It was so great to watch these people work hard and improve month after month, and it was easy to start to think that I had something to do with that improvement. By running this project, I was helping to facilitate a positive change in the performance of our associates -- pretty cool! Like all fun things though, this too had to end, and that end came this past week. The winners have been announced, the final statistics have been run and communicated, and I'm completely spent. My boss came to me yesterday and said that one of the managers asked him to start readying for another contest. To my great relief he told that person that it would take some time. Time to regroup, rest, and get back to the focus of our current dilemma - finishing our usual work. I wasn't ready to do this again. Yes, it had a positive outcome. Yes, the associates did like it. But my sanity was suffering and I was one day away from landing in our local loony bin restrained to my bed and screaming, "No more pirates!" Hmm..never mind. It was a good experience all in all. Lessons were learned. Some went home winners, and some just went home. And me? I took a deep breath, exhaled, and found that my life was not over -- yet.

Then comes the end of the day. I was walking through our parking lot (which is becoming more and more crowded these days) to my van. My thoughts turned back to the events of the week, and I found myself locked on a particular moment of a particular day. That moment is carrying me all through the weekend. I can't help it. As much as my readers would love me to, I'm not going into detail - it wouldn't be appropriate for now. Lets just say that I'm finding something out about myself that I never knew before and it is making me a little nervous, even if I say that I never get nervous, or that I hardly ever freak out about anything. We will see where the wind blows this.

Last night, we took my daughter and her friend to see a movie - yes, we saw Music and Lyrics again. I can't get enough of it, and when it comes out on May 8th on DVD I'm getting it. I LOVE the soundtrack. It was a good time, but I tell you, 11 year old girls can be a real pain. MacKenzie is a sweet girl. Really! She is lovable and affectionate, but she can be mean, and selfish too. We picked up her friend, went to Ruby Tuesday for supper, and to the movie. When it was over, Mac begged and begged for her friend to be able to spend the night, though we had disscussed previously it wasn't going to happen. She got mad, pouted, you know the drill. I got to thinking -- what the hell? Then I realized that she is hormonal whether I like it or not, and I'm just going to have to deal with it.

To add insult to injury, Larry is in the doghouse this week. I'm typically easy to get along with. I'm not too demanding or too overbearing, of him or the kids. The kids can be a challenge to deal with, and lately, Larry seems to only focus on the difficulties. Many things that the kids do are just because that is what kids do - for lack of a better phrase. They challenge, they push, they shove, and the whine when they don't get their way. That is the way of the child. He can't handle it. He demands that I punish them for every little infraction. I have found that grounding them is laughable because no one in our household knows how to enforce it. He has been quick to tell me about the awful things that they do, but leaves out the good stuff. It gets on my nerves, and last night in the movie theater before the movie started, I told him that he was starting to really piss me off. I had the kids before he married me. They were little when we began dating. He loved them then. I asked him if he thought that they would be little forever...of course not. He said then that they can be difficult. I said that parenting is not easy. I told him when he married me, he got the family, not just me. I told him to think about that, and that is where we left it.

What is it that we do - adults I mean - to each other? I would like to think that the perfect relationship begins as a friendship. You find things you have in common. You participate in activities that you both enjoy. You decide then that you think you can hang with this person the rest of your life, and you get married. You begin a family, you love them, raise them. You still do things that you enjoy, but now those things are geared more toward the family than the couple. When the kids grow up and have their own interests, you spend more time as a couple again. When the children move on to have their own lives, marriages, families, you become two once again. Do you have the same things in common? Do you enjoy the same activities?

Probably not. More than likely one of you needs a hip replacement from all the lawn mowing and the other has bursitis from holding babies all the time.

Suck it up and go to the doctor!!

This is Potter

This is the cat of the century, the funniest of felines, the one, the only -- Potter the Wondercat. Yes...he is named for that legendary character, "Harry Potter" only my kitty is "HAIRY" Potter. Of every companion I have ever known, Potter is paws down the most loyal. Human friends leave eventually, and human lovers will break your heart, but my Potter loves me unconditionally - as long as I give him food.

I had a speech/communications professor once who told me that pets do NOT love humans. Humans are nothing more than a source of food for the pet. They are conditioned to know that when the human touches them, that food is coming soon, so the cat purrs. All my life, I have thought that my cats (or dogs as the case may be) truly loved me by the way that they meowed, purred, or wagged their tail when I came near them. Maybe that stretching when I brushed them was what really did it. During my Fundamentals of Communication class, Professor S. told me that pets don't love people and I was floored! It can't be true! But, he was right. As much as I love my kitty, my kitty doesn't love me and I will just have to accept it and move on with my life.

BUT I WON'T! I will continue to love my Potter. I will brush him, I will feed him, I will scoop his poop, and when he purrs or meows at me, I will believe....

That my kitty loves me.

Parental Controls

Well, it's official...I'm the worst mother in the world. Oh well, I guess there are worse things, but I can't imagine what they are; boils, scurvy, worst driver in the world, biggest jerk award, etc. etc. Tyler (pictured) is really pissed at me. You see, I installed parental control software on his computer today. It's not the kind that blocks out everything - just the stuff I don't want him to see. I don't want him surfing porn sites (I would like to think that he doesn't go there anyway)...period. He is 13 going on 35 and I know what goes on in the mind of a 13 year-old boy as I used to be one myself - oops! Just kidding there! Anywho - I installed this software program. I am limiting him to 4 hours of internet access a day and I think that is pretty generous considering he really should be spending more time expanding his mind rather than shrinking it. I have no problem with him using the internet for things like homework, research, and occasionally chatting with his friends. I DO have a problem with him being on that damn thing 24/7! I have caught him on it in the middle of the night playing Runescape (an RPG-roleplay game- that I too really enjoy!)! I could hardly believe it. Well, this software will just log him off his computer at 9pm, and he cannot gain access on it again until 9am. Works for me...no more screaming, yelling, cursing, or otherwise losing my temper. Tyler on the other hand threatened to take a hammer to the computer because I blocked his Myspace access! He was very dramatic, pacing angrily, his brow furrowed, hands on his hips, and bellowing, "That's fine, I don't care. I'll just bust it all to pieces and it won't even matter." I had a very hard time keeping a straight face. I assured him with some tweaking, that loathsome site would once again be accessible to him and he wouldn't miss out on a single comment, pic, or vid. Of course, I wasn't really sure if I would be able to fix it or not, but I got there -- 2 1/2 hours later! By this time, Tyler had stormed upstairs, was hell-bent on tormenting his sister which is his 2nd favorite pastime to being online. I yelled for him and when he came down, I told him that his Myspace was once again accessible and that he owed me an apology. He muttered a pathetic, "I'm sorry" under his breath and demanded that I take him out for ice cream. HA! Not going to happen! Not after today's fiasco. And I didn't cave either! Aren't you proud of me? I simply told him that after all the time I spent working on his computer when I could be working on my own project, he deserved nothing more than a swift kick in the butt with a cold boot -- out comes the usual, "Whatever," and he logs into the computer.

What am I going to do with him? Its too late to send him back where he came from. Maybe the humane society would be able to find him a good home.

Sorry, Buddy - you know I love ya.

Music, Movies, and Malt Shops

What a weekend!! The only excuse I have for my absence since last Thursday is that I have been constantly on the run.

Friday: Worked until 3:30pm. Picked up Tyler at home, and met Larry at Wendy's for a quick bite to eat. Off to the antique lady's house. Now, I am NOT fond of antiques unless they are in some one else's home. I have never had an eye for that stuff. To me, it is all just old, sometimes smelly, sometimes very interesting...junk. Nothing more. In other people's houses, it is usually very beautiful - even breathtaking depending on the piece. That is how this lady's house looks. For purposes of this blog, I will call her "Jenny Sanders." She lives in a refurbished farmhouse just a little southeast of Cedar Rapids. When I walked into her home, the first thing I noticed was the smell of it - old wood, and dried flowers. Nice actually. Very warm and inviting. Jenny led us back to her bedroom and there it was -- the piano. A Baldwin spinet not more than a few years old, and hardly played. Tyler and MacKenzie both had to try it out. They took turns sitting on the maple colored bench that was covered with a red courdoroy cushion not unlike that which you would find on a kitchen chair. Each of them spent a little time pressing the keys and the pedals, making the beautiful music they had both been learning over the past few years. For $300 I couldn't pass it up. In fact, I felt a little guilty - I'm sure that she paid more than that for it and it was in beautiful shape. Not a scratch on it. We loaded it up, and took it home, and now, it has taken up temporary residence in my living room. It sits beneath the front windows, and the cat has decided that it is his new perch so that he can look out upon his kingdom. He seemed content with it -- and so do I.
Later that day, Tyler got a call from a friend to go roller skating. We had intended on taking him to a movie (MacKenzie had headed to her dad's for the weekend -- another story entirely), but I conceded and let him spend the time with his friends. Besides, it was a good opportunity for Larry and I to have a date :-).

We went and saw the movie, "Music and Lyrics," with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. It is the second time we have seen it, but when you see it at the cheap theater, somehow you get more satisfaction out of it. If you haven't seen this movie, you MUST!! If you see no other movie all year, "Music and Lyrics" is the best one to go to. It is sweet, funny, sappy, and has the greatest 80s sounding soundtrack! Hugh Grant does all his own singing which really impressed me since I thought him to be kind of a dork. He was very good and very capable as a singer. The dancing though -- yikes! I think he WILL need a hip replacement at some point in his life, if not already. Drew Barrymore is equally wonderful, and I love how clumsy she is. This lends a realism to her character and really brings her to life. Go see it -- I don't want to give any of it away.

Saturday: This was a day of rest -- sort of. I worked for a few hours in the morning. Yes, I'm a workaholic. I can't believe how much I get done when no one is around, and it is refreshing for me. I will go in tomorrow knowing that I won't be completely drowning in work. After work, I met Larry for a quick lunch -- yes, another one. We do that a lot. Eat something quickly so that we can move on with our lives. We decided that another movie was in order. You would think we were paid movie critics by the number of films we see in a year. Anyway, we went and saw "Fracture." This one has Anthony Hopkins as a psychopathic killer, who kills his wife, then defends himself to get acquitted. But does he? Hmmmm...one will have to see the movie. He is wonderful as usual, and his character is laced with the creepiness of another Hannibal Lecter. Ryan Gosling plays the young county prosecutor that has to attempt to match wits to Hopkins' character. They both do very well, and it was worth our time.

Sunday: Church of course. We attend a local Lutheran church and we go every Sunday. I don't feel whole if I don't attend Sunday services. I have to have that day with God...it relaxes me. It reminds me to pray more often, even if by Tuesday I have forgotten to. Our pastor is very kind, very silly, and gives a good sermon. We have many friends there, and are blessed to call them our family in Christ.
After church -- Cedar Rapids Performance Company auditions. No, not for me or for Larry, but for the kids. Actually, the kids auditioned last weekend, but this weekend was my turn to work the registration table. It is always a good time. The director just had a new baby, so I got my "baby fix" and held her most of the time. Little Molly -- what a punkin! We were there most of the afternoon. Just as we were leaving, the sky turned dark, that smell was in the air, and the rain was starting -- yes a THUNDERSTORM was on the way! I knew that MacKenzie would be freaking out at her dad's, so a phone call was in order. She was actually doing pretty good and I was very proud of her. Perhaps she is getting over this fear of storms -- I don't want her being like me, dreaming about them for the rest of her life! We stopped at home, then headed up to my ex's place to get the kids.
Bob (my ex) lives in Vinton IA. It is one of those stereotypical small Iowa towns - courthouse in the middle, lots of little stores around that in the "square," a grain elevator and of course -- a Theisen's (its a farm supply store). I'm very surprised that Wal-Mart hasn't got its hooks into that town yet. I'm sure its only a matter of time. We pulled into Bob's driveway and there in the yard was Bob, Brittany (Mac's friend), MacKenzie and Tyler all playing baseball. We hit a couple balls around and then headed for home.
I imagine you are wondering by now how the Malt Shop plays into this by now? Well, in Vinton there is a REAL malt shop called "Leon's Malt Shop." MacKenzie begged and begged and begged to stop and get something. Root Beer floats for her and Brittany, chocolate malt for me, raspberry for Tyler and a hot fudge sundae for Larry. Yummmy! Twas gooooooooood stuff!
Once home, Tyler showered, and MacKenzie is sitting here at my side, reading every word of this entry (she's nosy like that. - OUCH! She just hit me....twice.) So, I suppose I'll call it a night myself. I'm sorry this isn't as witty as usual, but I'm really tired. After a good night's sleep and another day at work, I'll be back to my old obnoxious self.

Good night all and sweet dreams (not about tornadoes please.)

(Supplement to the preceding...)

One of my dear friends, here named "Fleabag," posted a comment on this site referring me to a dream dictionary. She suggested that I check out what dreaming of a tornado means to me and to my life. Here is what I found out:

Tornados
To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?

To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications.

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.

(Source: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/) I don't recall any extreme emotional outbursts nor temper tantrums! A destructive situation?

This deserves further scrutiny -- I'll keep you posted.



Good Lord!! What does this mean exactly?!

Recurring Dreams - er- Nightmares

People tell you all the time that they have this recurring dream about someone chasing them, screaming at them, falling off a 35-story building, etc. etc. Usually though, it is the same dream over and over again. I'm a very vivid dreamer, and typically remember my dreams in great detail. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes its not, sometimes I'd just as soon not talk about it at all! Not this time though - LUCKY YOU!

I'm really not sure when it started, but since I was very young (not just last year either, so shut up) some of my dreams have a recurring theme rather than just recurring over and over. In other words, the subject matter is the same, the circumstances are pretty much the same, but the time, the place, and the people are always different. What is this topic of nocturnal adventure, you ask? Tornadoes. And not the fake Hollywood kind either, but the real, in-your-face, sounding like a freight train, blowing you off your feet tornadoes. The similarities between my tornado dreams are that I am never alone. I am always with friends, family, or both. I'm very brave. And nobody dies. Last night's dream was no different. I'm on our disaster management team at work - CERT. So, its stands to reason that I would be brave in the face of any danger. Yeah right - guess what? I'm a big coward! Anyway - in my dream, I'm leaving work at the end of the day and its summer time. For those of you that don't live in Iowa, summer is synonymous with severe weather around here. I'm leaving work, its hot, humid, and feels like a storm coming. You can feel the charged ions in the air and the smell of the wind is unmistakable. I look outside and sure enough, the rain is coming down in sheets, the wind is blowing, and I'm thinking, "There is no way in Hell I'm going outside in this." The hail begins, and not just little pea-size or even marble-sized hail - I'm talking about big-ass baseball-sized stones of ice that would give you a concussion upon impact, and stick you in the hospital for a week, likely in an irreversible coma. There is a counter in the lobby of my building (not in real life, just in my dream) that me and a few of my friends are standing behind watching the weather. We hear the sirens which always means that CERT has to do their thing! I start back to my work area which of course is right next to a window (what fun would a dingy office with no windows be?) and then I see the big-ass baseball-sized hail punching holes in the windows..but they look like the holes that bullets make in bullet-proof glass...funny looking only bigger (great description there!). I'm ready to save people from the evil lurking outside. I don my gear - lime green helmet and vest, grab my 50 lb. backpack full of band-aids, and look out the window. I hear the wind pick up and there, over the horizon, comes the funnel - black, ominous, and really pissed off. I grab my friends, head to the stairwell, and hide like a true hero till the storm passes. The sun comes out, nobody dies, and the building is intact. I wake up.

Like I said before, I have been having this same dream over and over for years. My mother thinks I'm crazy (Mom, that's what shrinks and medication are for!), and her mother - my grandmother - thinks its a gift and that I'm just like her! That is my preferred explanation; "Leave me alone! I'm just like Grandma!"

What does all of this mean exactly? Why do some people remember every detail of their dreams and others swear they don't dream at all? Do I remember them because my dream-life is much more interesting, intense, and magical than my real-life?

No - I think its the chocolate covered cherry Blizzard I had before bed.

Day One

I'm sure that everyone knows this really isn't "Day One" for me. If you took the time to check my profile (I mean, if you really wanted to), you would see that I'm a year and a month away from "older than dirt" status - no offense to those that are 40+ that might happen to stumble onto this blog.

The thing is, age is really an odd concept. Its an old joke, but we begin our lives as a mass of cells, growing and multiplying, we are eventually born; naked, helpless; we grow some more; learn to walk, eat slushy, slimy versions of fruits and vegetables (no wonder all we want is pizza and french fries once we hit high school!), crap in our pants, grow to adulthood, work 30-50 years for one company or another (or 1-3 years for 30-50 companies!), retire, and work our way back into eating slushy, slimy versions of fruits and vegetables, crapping in our pants once again, and then ultimately dying and becoming a decomposed pile of cells -- food for some other creature. It never ceases to amaze me. We are born but to die.

Do I sound (or read as the case may be) a cynic? Nah. Not at all. I love life! I love this stage in my life, I should say. I'm on my 2nd marriage -- the odds are that we will divorce because more than 1/2 of all 2nd marriages do end in divorce. I am, however, against the concept, and have not even entertained the possibility at this point. Larry and I have been married almost 5 years. I have known him much longer than that, and have always believed him to be my soul-mate. Oh quit gagging -- you're just jealous! He is a wonderful husband, and a great step-father, or bonus dad as we call the position, to my offspring. He is, in a word, perfect....AND IT DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY, FREAKIN, NUTS!!!! But, I love him nonetheless.

I also have the privilege of raising two of the most talented, beautiful, good-hearted, moody, irritating, self-centered, spoiled children on the face of the earth! Tyler is my teenager -- 13. There is nothing on the planet worse than a 13 year old boy in the height of puberty. The first loves (I think he has had about 7), the acne, the armpit hair, you name it, we deal with it -- DAILY. Then there is MacKenzie (we call her Mac) -- 11. She is beginning to grow rapidly and soon will surpass her mother (not a big stretch as I'm only 5'2). Mac is just beginning to enter that glorious time when every girl becomes a woman -- BUT NOT YET! THANK YOU LORD!
They are WONDERFUL kids. Don't get me wrong - I love to tease them. They are God's greatest gift to me - after that of HIS son and I'm thankful everyday for their love and affection. (OK, I SAID SOMETHING NICE ABOUT YOU, NOW GO CLEAN YOUR ROOMS!)

Now, what was I saying before? Hmmm. Never mind. Guess it is the early stages of Alzheimer's. Someone gave me the name of a good memory doctor, but I can't remember where I wrote it down (Ba-dum-dum). Oooh...that was a stinky one. Sorry.

I work for Toyota. Financial Services, that is. When I was filling out my profile and it asks me to put in my occupation, there was a place for Automotive, Banking, Transportation, etc. No Finance. What I actually do though is quality assurance. You know that recording you get when you call a company's customer service department -- "Your call may be monitored and/or recorded for Quality Assurance purposes...HANG UP NOW!" -- That's me. I'm the monitor/recorder. I've been with the company since 1998, I joined up just after my 30th birthday. I spent my first 2 years in Customer Service, the next 6 in Customer Loyalty (long description and a topic for another day), and I have been a PE Analyst (PE is not Physical Education , but "Performance Excellence") since 09/11/06 (ironic date). I love it. I would be lying if I said that I did not love where I work and what I do. And I'm not writing that just because someone I work with just might read this blog. I really do. They have been good to me, and I think I will work there till I retire -- besides, I'm sure that at my age, no one else wants me.

This windy introduction has about come to a close. Actually, my carpal tunnel is kicking in and my stomach is growling to the tune of "We're Off to See the Wizard..."

Much love and God Bless.