Drama Drama Drama

Neuroses run in my family; especially in the women. My grandmother, mother, aunts, sisters, we all have our quirks. For me, it is my capacity for drama. Not the drama that we see on TV, or in the movies, but the drama that we create for ourselves. The drama that causes reaction and over-reaction to certain situations. For instance...

I read over my post from yesterday. Some would read that and say, "OK, now that woman has issues!" Others who know me would say, "It is just Cara being Cara, and we love her for her honesty." Yeah, right. I have become my mother. I think it is inevitable. Women become their mothers, men become their fathers (well, not always). I catch myself talking like her, acting like her. The kids will say, "Mom, you said that just like Grandma, and it scared me!" It "scares" them? But they love my mother!

I love her too. If they want to compare me to her, that is the best compliment ever.

I am a little more sane today. Not so dramatic, not so much self-induced stress. Actually, I feel pretty decent aside from some nagging back pain...

Might have to get that looked at.

What's Next? ....An Answer

You know how you have those moments...the ones where you are sure that a situation is going to go a certain way and then it doesn't work out that way at all; it turns out completely different? Well...me too. It has come to my attention that things do NOT turn out the way that we want them to - much of the time. For better or for worse, that is the way it is. In the process of all my ranting, raving, wondering, hoping, and praying, I finally have an answer to that all encompassing question, "What next?"

Nothing. That's right, nothing. Nothing is next. My days will continue as they have..one after the other. With every sunset comes the end of one day, and with the sunrise, the beginning of the next. And as this process continues, I remain in this life I have chosen for myself. I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I work a job, I keep a house, I attend parents meetings at the kids' schools, and I pay my bills. That's it. I am do not have the freedom to be anything else. There isn't time for it. I sleep when I'm tired and I eat when I'm hungry. I cry when I'm sad, and I laugh when I'm happy. Just like everyone else. I'm not extraordinary - I'm the epitome of ordinary. I put my jeans on one leg at a time. Just like everyone else. I have a real heart; one that is easily given, but is also easily broken.

I know when people are together a long time, that romantic love can fade. I've read all the books. I've seen Dr. Phil. I've talked to my psychologist, my pastor, my friends. They all say that relationships start with physical attraction; passion, heat, sex, etc. They say then, that as time goes on, that intensity fades, and rather than lovers, you become more like friends. Friends with a history. Well, I think before these people started shooting their mouths off about the evolution of a relationship, they should have talked to me. For me, my relationships were never about passion, or intense love.

What's next? Well, for me...my heart is beginning a hollowing-out process. Each day, it beats with a little less force. What is the point, really? It is only there now to keep this body alive. Physically anyway. I will continue on the path I have carved out for myself. I will continue being what others want me to be. I will continue being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.

I only hope that I don't lose myself in the process.

(Where's the Ben & Jerry's when I need it?)

Freudian Slip

What's Next....That is a very good question. I wish I a had a very good answer. I am all alone for awhile tonight. Larry and Tyler are off to a choir practice thing, Mac is at a friend's house, and here I am...at the computer...my mind going in a thousand different directions. The pizza I ate for dinner earlier is not agreeing with me. I have a million ideas for a book I want to write. I should start the dryer running so the damp clothing in there doesn't get rank. Tomorrow is Friday. I am addicted to this "Twitter" thing. Wait! Enough of the thinking out loud!! That is only going to get me into more trouble.

Do you believe that there are no real "accidents?" That when someone says something, when they just blurt it out, that is truly what they meant to say? Freud thought so; although I don't put much stock in Freud - he is dead after all.

I think that sometimes when we say something that we know we shouldn't it is because it was in the forefront of our minds. It is something that needed to be said to jar the receiver into action. It might even be a defense mechanism of sorts. Who knows? I'm no professional. I'm no "stalker" either. :-) I am merely someone who enjoys intelligent conversation with people of similar interests.

There - a good explanation at last.

Missing Month

I cannot believe I skipped the entire month of August without posting!! I'm sure that no one really noticed my absence, but I'm back just the same. Let's evaluate where we left off, shall we?

The last post was about the realization that my husband is not perfect (GASP!) and that I would be a fool if I tried to change him. Still true. I am also, more than ever, thankful for my friendships with others. They are helping to keep me sane (as much as possible, anyway). What else? Oh yes...my expression of appreciation for the love I receive from God. Still true.

So, to catch up on the strangeness, the obsessions, and the latest installment in what has become the soap opera of my life, I begin this entry with....
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!

My shrink assures me that the fluctuations in my mood, the ups and downs of my personality, and the lack of concentration are all due to my ADHD and my depression-anxiety disorders. No, I am NOT crazy. Emotionally challenged is a better description. As long as I get the proper dosages of my medications everyday, I behave quite normally. In fact, I have felt quite sane in recent weeks. At least until September 16th. September 16th was the day I began detailing in my mind, a new emotion, an obsession if you will, that has taken up residence in my consciousness of late. I'm wonder if it is time to come out of the closet (not like that!); face the music; charge in with guns blazing and ask questions later...well, not so much. It is easy to think these things. It is easy to be brave when the only other person around is behind a closed door watching the Cubs play. It is easy to say, difficult to act upon. And the truth is, I won't act. It would be irresponsible, it would be against everything I believe in, and there are too many other reasons not to. Yet, at just the thought of the other possibility, the tigers that have taken up residence in my stomach go bouncing around like on those inflatable bouncy-things kids play in. I am a mess, a wreck, a head-case, and a whole host of other descriptors for people in my situation. But, I am an adult. I must act responsibly. I have young ones looking to me for answers to life's problems. Then there is the proverbial "devil on my shoulder" telling me that the only thing I have to lose is my sanity, and that sanity is highly overrated. No... I will remain stoic; a picture of resolve. I will go about my daily routine as though I am the strong, sensible person that most everyone who-really-doesn't- know me, but thinks they do- believes that I am. I am determined to live through this latest phase of my life. I will come out unscathed, heart intact, and strong.

I think my phone is ringing....