What's Next? ....An Answer

You know how you have those moments...the ones where you are sure that a situation is going to go a certain way and then it doesn't work out that way at all; it turns out completely different? Well...me too. It has come to my attention that things do NOT turn out the way that we want them to - much of the time. For better or for worse, that is the way it is. In the process of all my ranting, raving, wondering, hoping, and praying, I finally have an answer to that all encompassing question, "What next?"

Nothing. That's right, nothing. Nothing is next. My days will continue as they have..one after the other. With every sunset comes the end of one day, and with the sunrise, the beginning of the next. And as this process continues, I remain in this life I have chosen for myself. I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I work a job, I keep a house, I attend parents meetings at the kids' schools, and I pay my bills. That's it. I am do not have the freedom to be anything else. There isn't time for it. I sleep when I'm tired and I eat when I'm hungry. I cry when I'm sad, and I laugh when I'm happy. Just like everyone else. I'm not extraordinary - I'm the epitome of ordinary. I put my jeans on one leg at a time. Just like everyone else. I have a real heart; one that is easily given, but is also easily broken.

I know when people are together a long time, that romantic love can fade. I've read all the books. I've seen Dr. Phil. I've talked to my psychologist, my pastor, my friends. They all say that relationships start with physical attraction; passion, heat, sex, etc. They say then, that as time goes on, that intensity fades, and rather than lovers, you become more like friends. Friends with a history. Well, I think before these people started shooting their mouths off about the evolution of a relationship, they should have talked to me. For me, my relationships were never about passion, or intense love.

What's next? Well, for me...my heart is beginning a hollowing-out process. Each day, it beats with a little less force. What is the point, really? It is only there now to keep this body alive. Physically anyway. I will continue on the path I have carved out for myself. I will continue being what others want me to be. I will continue being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.

I only hope that I don't lose myself in the process.

(Where's the Ben & Jerry's when I need it?)