I Have Survived the Time Warp

The Time Warp - that is what I'm calling this jump to the next decade of my life. On May 19th, I began my life as a 40 year old, sophisticate. A woman with two teenage children, a full time job, a degree in progress, and the most unruly dog on the planet - more on her later. My family are sneaky people. They enjoy publicly humiliation as long as it them that is inflicting it, rather than enduring it, and they had to have an accomplice - my best friend, Karen. Where am I going with this? Guess. Yes, you're right, they threw me a surprise party. Last Wednesday, Karen emailed me at work, wanting to know if we wanted to go out for dinner on Friday with her and her daughter, Amanda. Well, Karen and I haven't had time to get together for a long time, and I knew that the weekend would be a nightmare, so I readily agreed. Ruby Tuesday, west side of town, 7:15-7:30 or thereabouts. Nothing unusual about that. Then...we arrived.

We walked in the place and I told the hostess that we were meeting a friend and her daughter. She led us to a brightly decorated table; balloons (black and red. with 3 Mylars - Aged to Perfection, 40, and It isn't the AGE, its the ATTITUDE), a tree of 40s prominently displayed as a centerpiece and seated around the table - everyone. My mother, father, grandmother, aunt, my youngest brother, Adam, his wife Rachael, and my 3 year old niece, Aubrey. Steve and Rhonda - some of our friends from Larry's place of employment were there too, and of course, Karen and Amanda. I was completely floored. And truly touched. The cake was perfect; Happy Birthday Cara in BLACK icing, and then underneath that, written in red, Better Over than Under. That's the truth! There was lots of 80s music; some that I had even forgotten about, and of course, Dad told stories about my childhood - ask me sometime about the time I put the hamburgers on the grill - and embarrassed me mercilessly. Yes, it was a good time.

In my entries leading up to this milestone, I have expressed a certain dread about turning the big 4-0, but really, it isn't too bad. My 83 year old grandmother put it in perspective for me. She said, "Don't complain about being 40. When you have 5 children and the 2 oldest are already 60 then you can complain." I guess so!!

I thought I would look in the mirror and ask myself, "What have you accomplished in 40 years?" But it isn't like that. I'm more interested in what I'll do the next 40 years! I'll work on financial fitness, I'll continue to expand my mind with education, culture, and experience, I will love much, and I will try to forgive the past. This is not the jumping off point. This is the first day of the rest of my life.

Thank you to all who were there to help me celebrate, Thank you to Mom for having me, and Thank you to GOD for looking out for me so that I could get here.

Feel whatever you choose

Stop working so diligently to make your feelings match your circumstances. Realize instead that you can select and direct your feelings to create much more favorable circumstances of your own choosing.
There's no law that says you must harbor feelings of disappointment, dismay, anger and futility when events don't go your way. You can just as easily feel amused, enlightened and more positively inspired than ever before.
You could use your feelings to prolong a difficult situation. Or you can choose other feelings that will enable you to transcend your greatest difficulties and move forward.
How do you feel positive when the world around you is so negative? Just ask yourself whether you would rather be imprisoned by your feelings or empowered by them.
From moment to moment, you are constantly choosing which feelings to hold on to and which ones to discard. Be ever mindful of this power that is yours, for by improving the way you feel you can improve anything in your life to whatever degree you decide.
Your feelings are powerful forces, and by taking control of them you can move your life in any direction. Feel whatever you choose, and you are choosing to make it so.
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Hmmm. Do you suppose that is true? Do you suppose that there is something to be said for the power of positive thinking? I think so. I know that I feel better when I'm in a good mood - who doesn't? But what about those times when you just CAN'T be in a good mood? What about days when your shoelace breaks 1 minute before you are ready to walk out the door and you are already 5 minutes late? What about the F you get on a homework assignment when you busted your butt for a week to finish it to Mr. Whats-his-face-who-cares' standards? And then there are the really bad days - the days when it would take an act of GOD to bring you back to the land of the living, the land of normalcy, the land of regular people? Do I sound like a cynic? Maybe. Do I sound like a "negative-Nancy?" Possibly. I think I sound like a realist. One cannot be upbeat and positive all the time. I do not believe that humans being what they are (imperfect) can be happy-happy in the face of true suffering. So, when I'm in the crappiest of crappy moods I say to those who say "smile and the world will smile" with me, or to "put on a happy face", or breathe "in with the good and out with the bad," LEAVE ME ALONE! Don't tell me to smile, be happy, or breathe. It might just be that I WANT to feel the anger welling inside me, that I WANT to know that I'm alive, passionate, and a deep-feeling individual. Or - it might just mean that I simply don't like you because you are so damn cheerful.

Actually, I am a pretty happy person. I have my moments like most others. I laugh, cry, scream, and stomp my feet; and all that in the last few minutes!

Maybe I need to check my dosage...

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!

Little Miracles

There are many times in this blog that I have ranted and raved, complained, vented and otherwise bitched about the sufferings of being the parent of teen aged children. Well, this is not one of those times. Last night we attended the final vocal concert at the kids' school. Mac had her performance at 6pm, then we went back at 8pm for Tyler's. MacKenzie sang a solo during her performance - "Seasons of Love" from the Broadway musical RENT. She did so wonderful, just standing there alone on the stage, singing her heart out. She said later that she just kept her eyes on me in the audience so that she didn't lose her nerve. I am so proud of her!!
Then, nearing the end of Tyler's performance, he too had a solo. He sang "Song For Mama" by Boys II Men. He sang with such passion and even though he didn't get through it all (he forgot the words to part of it), he impressed everyone there. At the end, he walked out to the audience, found me, and gave me a single, long stemmed rose. He is such a charmer! I find humor in most everything and this was no exception - my son who in wanting to do something nice for his mom was so nervous that he was swinging the rose around back stage. He broke the stem, sending the blooming flower, still attached to about 3 inches of stem, flying across the room. Before he came on stage, he rounded up some Scotch tape and taped it back to the flower. Of course I didn't notice this until I went to bring the bloom to my nose to smell it and it toppled off into my lap! Tyler was so embarrassed! When we got home, he made it up to me by singing the whole song.

For all the times we rage against the injustices in the world, the crime, the indecency, the water in our basements; we only need to look into the eyes of our children to see that there is hope, love, peace - and drier ground.

I love you guys!

Bigger Than the Sky

Dear Tyler,

You have really been on my mind today. I met with your school counselors from both middle and high school today. This was just so that your new high school counselor could meet me, and of course, to let her know somethings about you. She is anxious to meet you and is excited about you coming to her school in the fall.
We talked about your creativity, your passion, and your charm. When I think of those traits in you, I feel warm and happy; I guess you could say these are the things I cherish most in you. We talked about your ADHD and how it affects your perception of school, your teachers, and your homework. She so wants to work with you next year to make sure that your 9th grade year is successful and to help you get on the right track.
In the course of our meeting, your current counselor asked how things have been at home. I told her that we have had our challenges lately and that you seemed more withdrawn and sad/angry than usual. I mentioned to her that you don't seem to be hanging around with the usual kids anymore and that your new interest is in skating. I have to tell you, Tyler, her eyes got as big as saucers and she just said, "No, no, no!" When I questioned her, she told me that the worst thing for a kid like you with so much potential is to get involved with the skating crowd. She told me that there is so much substance abuse in that group and that the kids involved in that particular pastime can do nothing but hurt you. I have to admit, that I was pretty freaked out. I have known her a long long time and it takes A LOT to make her flip out like that. She also said that she has noticed a change in you...and recently. We talked about your medication and we can't help but think that the change in your meds could be affecting your personality (and not in a good way). It was suggested that I get hold of Dr. E or Darcy to see about a change, or even evaluate you for depression since it can go hand in hand with ADHD. She also suggested that you start seeing Dr. Martino again. Funny - you mentioned that to me a few days ago.
Please know that none of this conversation was to talk about you "behind your back." We were simply getting together to find out what Mrs. H can do for you in high school to ensure that you get exactly the attention you need. You are going to have the biggest part in that by making sure that I know, and Mrs. H knows and that your teachers know if you feel you aren't getting what you need. Situations can't be improved if we don't know what is wrong.
In the meantime, we are going to take it one step at a time. First, I'll call Darcy to talk to her about further treatment for you medically; Then, I'll schedule an appointment for you/us w/Dr. Martino; and I'm going to learn all I can about this thing that you live with everyday - this ADHD that makes you you. Lastly, I'm promise to be there for you every step of the way. I want you to talk to me. I want you to feel like you can trust me. I am going to set some real limits for you as lately there really haven't been many. You are going to think that I am the most nosy, mean, and unfair parent on the face of the planet and that is ok because by the time fall comes and you go off to high school you are going to know exactly why I have done the things I have and you are going to be a better person for it. You and I are going to be stuck like glue this summer.

I can't wait :-)

Tyler this is between you and me. Larry and Mac need not know. Yes, I'm sure that they will be involved in the counseling process because it is important for them to be a part of helping you, but mostly, this is going to be about building our relationship.

Please trust me. Trust GOD. Trust that you do not have all the answers and that you do not always know what is best for you. Someday you will have to do these things for YOUR children and you will remember back to when you thought I was mean and strict, and in your face. Then you will smile, you will pick up the phone from wherever you are and you'll call me. You will say, "Mom, I just called to say 'thank you,' thank you for being tough on me, thank you for being there for me, and thank you for giving me the tools to be a parent that can help my child."

I love you, Ty Man. Always and Forever, Unconditionally, Neverending, and Bigger Than the Sky.

Mom.

Should We Build an Ark?

I'm still looking for a rainbow. The Bible talks about God sending Noah a rainbow after it rained 40 days and 40 nights. The rainbow was God's promise that He would never again send the waters to cover the Earth. The last time I wrote, was about 2 weeks ago when the heavy rains first began. Today is May 1st, and it is once again raining - well - my friend, Joe, tells me it is going to anyway. Our basement is just now beginning to recover from the last deluge. The pee smell is gone, and the water that was once a running stream to my floor drain is now nothing but a trickle. The light that once illuminated the end of the proverbial tunnel has gone out. There are tornado warnings south and west of us and Joe tells me that the ugly stuff is coming tomorrow - more heavy rains and thunderstorms. Well, just as I cannot do anything about the absence of the rainbow I seek, I can't do anything about the impending storm. I resolve to simply wait it out.

Oh my goodness! Just now, I was interrupted by MacKenzie who informed me that I was negligent in RSVPing her to a friend's mother for the friend's birthday party that is scheduled for this weekend. She is very dramatic - this daughter of mine. "Mom! It is 9:30 at night! You can't possibly calle her now!" What she fails to realize is that I am an adult. I am perfectly able to call the child's mother tomorrow during the day and if she isn't home I will be leaving a message advising her that my daughter has my permission to attend the party. Sheesh! Life as Mac knows it is NOT coming to an end for crying out loud! I wonder often if I was like her when I was her age...or rather, if she was like me. My mom says that she is and I was. I suppose there is something to that "curse" that all mothers inevitably place on their children - "I hope you grow up to have a child just like you!" I love these little tantrums of hers though. Sometimes she gets so passionate that I can't help but crack a smile, and then she really gets mad. When that happens I can almost not help but laugh. She assures me though that when she is 16 she won't be one of those girls who is mean to their mothers. I guess we will see about that.

Here is your motivation for the day:

BE WELL GROUNDED
It can often be useful and interesting to wander away from your original path for a while. Sometimes you discover a new and much more fulfilling direction that way.
Yet if all you ever do is wander off, you won't be able to get anywhere. When you give in to every distraction, nothing will ever get accomplished.
Be curious, be open to new experiences, be willing to do things you've never done, to go new places and to meet new people. Remember, though, to also give your life a solid, steady context through which you can create real value out of all the diverse experiences that come your way.
A stable foundation in your life does not necessarily have to limit you. In fact, it can enable you to make the most of the new and interesting opportunities that come your way.
Being well grounded provides a strong base from which you can operate with effectiveness and confidence. Taking good care of the mundane and boring aspects of life gives you the time, energy and resources to fully explore the most exciting possibilities.
Be sure to mix your progressive, adventurous vision with a good dose of old fashioned common sense. It's a proven recipe for outstanding success.