Home Improvement

Hammer and nails; plaster and paint; blood and sweat. Yes, these are the tools of every one's home improvement projects. Well, almost every one's. If it were as easy to mend a heart as it is to paint a room, everyone in the world would be blissfully, incandescently happy all the time. But that is just not the way it is. However, I am now embarking on my own "home improvement" project. The wounds, while still burning, are beginning to heal. I'm beginning to feel a little warm again (never mind that it was in the 90s today), and feeling a little warmth in return. What happened? Good question. Let's review...

I have been complaining about Larry. His never ending fatigue, his negativity, his harshness with the kids, and his outright avoidance of me. All are valid concerns and deserved to be voiced. Yet, perhaps I didn't see the whole picture. I would like to say that this was all his fault, that I could not have been responsible for single cloud in the atmosphere of our household. But that would not be fair to either of us, and frankly, wouldn't be accurate. I AM just as, if not more, responsible than he. There, I have confessed, it is in writing and writing is forever (except on the Internet - you can delete anything).
I was wrong. There, I said it...wrong. A friend of mine and I had a conversation recently that really made me stop and assess the situation. I asked him if he had ever felt this way - he said that he hadn't, but that doesn't mean that he and his wife agree all the time either. He is a big believer of talking it out. She isn't. Sometimes it gets heated, but it always gets worked out. He attributed his long relationship to his faith in God and love for their church. He said that he would keep us in his prayers in hopes that things "work themselves out." Later that night, I had trouble sleeping (ya think?) and as I laid there thinking of the things that my friend had said, acknowledging that I had to take part (if not all) responsibility for what was happening to us, I realized that Larry is doing the best he can. He is faithful, kind, and pretty normal considering my past experiences. He does love the kids-he just doesn't have as much patience with them as I do. I can help him with that by being patient with him.

So, all in all, this has been one of those things I need to chalk up to experience and move on. No dwelling, obsessing, or wondering. God put us together for a reason, and only He knows what that reason is. He has given me a partner for life. Someone that I can depend on, someone who will love me no matter what, and even though there will be times when we don't agree, we need to work to make sure that the sun does not go down upon our anger. We need to work things out before they get blown out of proportion like this drama queen tends to do on a regular basis.
I will continue to pray, and I will continue to lay my troubles on God. I will give up control to Him (I'll TRY to anyway) and let him lead me to where I belong.

Thank you my friend, for being there for me, for being my sounding board, and for helping direct my attention back where it needs to be - to the Cross and to my home.
I will never forget you for this, and I will forever be in your debt.

Matthew 11:28-30. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Communication - or The Lack Thereof

Funny thing - communication. With open lines of communication thoughts freely move from one place or person to another, it is easy then to know how the other person feels, and life is pretty decent. When communication shuts down, one needs to rely on their telepathic skills to read the other's mind; well frankly, I'm not much of a mind reader.
So, when someone won't tell me what their issue is, what am I suppose to do? Guess? No way. I'm not even going to think about going there. What do YOU think? Here's the scenario: Man comes home everyday from work, dog tired, retreats immediately to his bedroom to "watch TV," falls asleep, gets up to eat dinner, and then back to bed for the remainder of the night. That is unless he needs to take a few minutes to bark something at young people within the residence. Meanwhile, Woman comes home from working all day, tired, but accepting that she is the glue that holds the family together; folds 3 loads of laundry, puts another in the washer, and still another in the dryer; responds to Man who has asked her what she planned for supper ("I don't know...what did you plan?"); spends more time cooking supper; eats, folds another load of laundry and then around 8pm, she gets 5 minutes to check her email, read, or just veg out. Keep in mind, Man is still sleeping. Then, Man wakes up from nap; proceeds to sit behind Woman working on the computer which absolutely drives her crazy! "Hello! What can I help you with?" Man leaves (looking dejected - whatever!). Woman goes back to living room, Man is there watching baseball. Man actually thinks that Woman is in the mood for a little "action." Get real!

Is this the "typical" life of an American married couple? I wonder...do my married friends go through this exact same scenario day after day? Women - we work 16 hours a day while our men work 8 and then come home "dog tired." What is he doing all day that makes him need 16 hours of sleep?

True affection is non-existent. My hand goes unheld, lips go unkissed, shoulders go unrubbed, and heart gets colder every day. I am spending my days at work - which I LOVE as it keeps me occupied - and my nights fantasizing about someone else's life. Just once I would love for someone - anyone - to put their arms around me and let me cry. I never thought that the day would come when I would feel completely alone in a house full of people. But that day is here. I have never felt so lonely. No wonder I catch myself dreaming of someone I could never have. No wonder I vent to my best friend all the hurt that I'm feeling; and then feeling guilty because she has to raise her daughter alone. No wonder...

So, what do I do next? Do I flip out and tell him it's my way or the highway? Do I just sit quietly and wait for the storm to pass? Or, do I do nothing and accept that this is just the way it is and will be?

Lightning CAN Strike the Same Place Twice

Who says that lightning can't strike the same place twice? It most certainly can; literally and figuratively. For my friends who take the saying literally; if you hear thunder, there's lightning and you are too close! Go inside! Hanging around on your front or back porch to "watch the storm come in" is really stupid and could get you killed - or at least maimed.

For my buddies who understand that I am talking about the figurative use of the phrase, boy, does lightning continue to strike or what? Last night after I was finished writing in my blog, Tyler came downstairs. Now, granted, it was late and we were both tired, but he looked a little more tired than usual. He informed me that he had pain in his chest, felt numb all over and was having a hard time catching his breath. Please understand that normally, this would not alarm me. Tyler is an active 14 year old who could have easily overexerted himself in his performance, but I have a blood clotting disorder, and the symptoms he was describing mirrored those that I experience when a clot moves within my lungs on the way to make its home in my brain. I calmly got up, told him to get dressed, that I was taking him to the ER. The doctor ordered a D-Dimer blood screen to rule out abnormal clotting in Tyler's blood. It came back negative - thank goodness. In the end, Tyler was diagnosed as having had an anxiety attack...very common in kids (and adults) who are being treated for ADHD. Tyler will have an appointment with his ADHD doc in about 2 weeks so we will address it with her then. In the meantime, I will need to keep him calm, not let him hyperventilate (the cause of the numbness) and see to it that he gets enough fluids and sleep. Good luck to me.

No email today.

Today's Mood Elevator --
FEEL WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE

Stop working so diligently to make your feelings match your circumstances. Realize instead that you can select and direct your feelings to create much more favorable circumstances of your own choosing.
There's no law that says you must harbor feelings of disappointment, dismay, anger and futility when events don't go your way. You can just as easily feel amused, enlightened and more positively inspired than ever before.
You could use your feelings to prolong a difficult situation. Or you can choose other feelings that will enable you to transcend your greatest difficulties and move forward.
How do you feel positive when the world around you is so negative? Just ask yourself whether you would rather be imprisoned by your feelings or empowered by them.
From moment to moment, you are constantly choosing which feelings to hold on to and which ones to discard. Be ever mindful of this power that is yours, for by improving the way you feel you can improve anything in your life to whatever degree you decide.
Your feelings are powerful forces, and by taking control of them you can move your life in any direction. Feel whatever you choose, and you are choosing to make it so.

Time Heals All Wounds

...or so they say. Well, what about the wounds that are below the surface? The ones that no one can see, but you can feel? The ones that ache to be noticed so that the hurt stops?

I need to hear someone tell me that everything is going to be alright, that what I'm going through is just some kind of phase; a mid-life crisis if you will. In the past, my blog has been fun; even entertaining; lately, it has been a bulletin board, tacked full of my own complaints. That's me...the Mid-Life Crisis Poster Child.

I thought this only happened to men in their 50s? Well, I think I'll sleep on it. I'll wake up, tomorrow will be a new day, and I won't be such a party-pooper.

Juggling

Some would say I am a professional juggler. Not the kind who juggles knives, fire, or lawn and garden tractors, but the kind who juggles LIFE. I have a full time job that I love, I work 8 hours a day everyday; I have a family that has a calendar full of activities and appointments; and I am a "nearly middle-aged" woman with hobbies, hopes, and dreams of her own that need attention. And in the face of too little time, too little money, and sometimes too little enthusiasm, I manage to "juggle" it all. Of course, the job, and the family always seem to come first. I suppose that is ok, considering that I have always been one to cater to the needs of others before my own. Yet, this morning, I was looking in the mirror and wondering where the time has gone. What happened to my dreams? Do I still have them? Yes. Are they still attainable? Well, possibly. I guess my dream of being a veterinarian or a brain surgeon (they are closely related professions) are both out of the question at this time in my life. By the time I got done with the schooling and residencies required, it would be necessary to switch my specialty to Geriatrics so that I would be able to diagnose my own aches and pains. Yes, I think that there is still time for me.

But what do I dream about now? Good question, and not one that is easily answered. When I was younger, I had dreams of the important profession, one that would make me rich, famous, or both. I thought maybe I would be a doctor, a teacher, or a firefighter - just like any other kid dreams of. When I got a little older, I thought it would be great to go to college, and learn something useful - and still be rich, famous, or both. When I turned 21, I thought the best thing for me was to be married, and begin my family. At 25, my Tyler was born. At 27, MacKenzie. Then at 31 I divorced their father and tried to find myself once again. This time, as a single mom. At 33, I married my soul-mate - Larry. And now, at 40, I'm still wondering about my life and the course it is headed on. My dreams change yearly; my goals almost as frequently. I wonder if this is as good as it is going to get for me. I don't mean that in a negative way, I just wonder.
I will keep juggling. I will juggle my job, my family and my dreams. I will continue on this path of self-discovery. I will see it all through to the very end.
I need to stop questioning the "why" of this and that. I need to start asking questions that can be answered.

Someone once told me:
Run joyfully toward life and embrace it with open arms. Each day brings its own treasure in the flavors, aromas, sights, sounds, situations, experiences and interactions that come your way.
Don't get bogged down attempting to resist or deny what has already happened. Put your energy into using what you have to make life better than ever.
Embrace the beauty, the joy, the wonder and the abundance of life. At the same time, embrace the challenges, the setbacks, the disappointments and the difficulties.
Be genuinely thankful for every moment, whatever it may contain. For in each moment is your opportunity to fully live, to grow, to learn, to experience, to share and to create unique, lasting value.
Welcome the ever-changing richness of life as it dances before your eyes in ways you've never seen before. Join passionately in that dance and be a part of the richness.
Follow the winding path as it moves up, down, over and around through the steadily increasing abundance and fulfillment of your life. Know more fully, as each moment passes, the profound joy of being.

My Fireworks Part II

In all of my self-centered fuming, I forgot to mention how much fun we had last night! The 4th of July isn't truly the 4th of July unless it is spent with friends; people you love. That is what I think I have enjoyed the most about my kids being involved in CRPC each summer - the number of people I have met, and the great friendships that have grown as a result.

We spent last night with Russ & Melissa, Joe & Terrie, and others; lots of kids, food, games, and a lot of just sitting around talking. Karen and Amanda came too, making it that much more fun; and Tyler even brought along his "girlfriend," Victoria (this has to be some kind of summer crush thing, after all they are too young....blah blah blah).

I have decided to hang up my ping pong paddle for good after today. I was nicely beaten big-time by Joe - thanks for the embarrassment, Buddy! Maybe someday when I'm more focused, there will be a rematch and then - YOU ARE GOING DOWN! :-)

Fireworks provided the best ending; watched from a lawn chair on the golf course. Granted, the fireworks were a ways off, but still beautiful just the same. We did get a few pictures. It was a nice night, not too hot, not too many bugs. I love my friends. I feel so fortunate to have them around me. Especially in these uncertain times.

Oh before I forget -- Terrie, what color WAS that grasshopper? :-)

My Fireworks

On numerous occasions I have used this blog as a sort of "anger management therapy;" a way to vent my frustrations; or just to let the entire world know just how pissed off I happen to be. This is one of those times, only this time, the only person/thing I'm pissed off at is myself. Yes, I have decided to turn the full power of my wrath onto that person in the mirror.

I am not perfect; yes, I know that the mind reels at that revelation; I'm not even close! I would like to think of myself as a good person. I pay my taxes, I work my job, I raise my children to the best of my ability, I go to church, etc., etc. Sometimes I wonder though, if I could just be, well, better? That is truly something to think about.

Well, we will have to see. In the meantime -

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY